11/10 - 11/11/2013 ~12:00 AM
Perhaps I imagine things to get away from reality. Life can be boring. We journey through years of education to gain knowledge to get jobs to get money to be happy.
We make stories to live different lives. You only live one life, but with books, films, games (that are story driven and not shit), you can live multiple.
Some lonely nights I get feelings of depression, and when it happens, I lie down and make a plot. Use my favorite video game characters, or attempt to make my own. Then I go back to doing whatever I was doing. I guess it keeps me content for the moment.
But why do I get these feelings of depression in the first place? Keeping to myself all these years in school, I don’t feel like I’ve had a really close friend that connects with me. Perhaps I don’t put effort into maintaining relationships, or no one cares enough about me to chat. The closest friend I have is a friend I met online I talk to nearly every day over Skype.
Then again, how do I find someone like me? A socially awkward gamer-musician also interested in composing, voice acting and game development. Actually, the friend I mentioned - he’s pretty close to that. And I’m happy to have him.
Back to the first question. I noticed last year, after losing feelings of my high school crush, there was some kind of void there. Throughout high school I was striving for this goal to have her and with that gone I had nothing to reach for. Then I told myself it wouldn’t have worked out well anyway. Yeah a girlfriend would be nice, although I feel like I’ve said that already.
I guess I have some bigger dreams now. Learn programming languages, modeling, voice acting, drawing. Make my own indie game. Make a 3D animated short with silent characters. Write a novel. Record songs.
Or just secure a good job at an engineering firm and make loads of money that way.
I’ll just go ahead and write this down
10/09/2013 2 AM
As a kid I would like to make stories as I go to sleep and continue them every night, and this is something I still do. One interesting one I remember involved me inventing a VR gaming system. You would be able to fight in a battlefield within the laws of a certain game. I imagined this as being a dome being able to be quickly set up over a large area, even over city blocks. You would be able to do things a character would normally do. If you die, you don’t actually die, but sit out of play.
In one variation of my little story would be able to conjure weapons and equipment at will while within a dome, balanced by some points system, and the amount of points you have would be determined by your level, like an RPG.
So in this little plot, time travel is invented, my future self gets captured somehow and these guys go to the present to capture me. When I doze off in class (IRL), I would imagine armed guys storming into the room looking for me. I figure out I can conjure weapons, get a tranquilizer gun, knock the guys out, try to find out what’s going on. As I take out everyone, the dome dissipates, and I’m left with a message from my future self.
I don’t exactly remember where I went from there. Something about my future self encoding the system with our DNA so that I can be overpowered. Then the bad guys want my present self to unlock the device to take over the world or something.
Nowadays I’m imagining fan fiction for Ratchet as well as another plot where he is involved in giving me superpowers. I suppose it’s what I do rather than talk to people, among other things.
I really do love Ratchet. Can’t wait to play Into the Nexus.
Gotta use that free time wisely
Sept. 21, 2013 ~12:00 AM
So here’s Ratchet again.Rough model and textures. Spent way too much time on this. In the process of rigging, which I’m getting the hang of. Seems to be pretty good to me, still very unpolished for industry standards.
The very ambitious goal for this is to make a custom hero for Dota 2. Mods are not officially supported yet but the tools are there to make them. It’s rather frustrating trying to find good information on how to use 3DS Max, for free at least. At least it was, until I remembered the one method everyone uses to get free stuff.
Been also working with C++. Haven’t gotten far though. I believe I’ll have to learn it anyway but a head start is nice.
Past few months I’ve been worrying about getting a room on campus since I still can’t drive. Well I got a room now, right before school starts. Still gotta worry about money though, and getting a job at some point.
One thing I’ve been pondering is that I may have some social anxiety. I don’t use my phone much to call or text and one of the more irrational reasons I have for that is because I’m afraid someone’s number might have changed since I’ve last called. Then again, I don’t have many friends to call. I even have a hard time messaging those I’m not super close with. With girls I would have to play out a complete scenario in my head and also take minutes coming up with a response. I shouldn’t be afraid anymore, but I am, and it’s going to ruin me if I don’t deal with it.
It’s been a long summer
8/05/2013 12:45 AM
Been at home most of the time, just using most of my time on the computer. Dota 2 is a fun game. Also hyping The International.
It’ll still be a while before I can drive again. I’ve taken the time off my games to clean the house and backyard, and learn 3DS Max. Maybe I will actually finish modeling, texturing, rigging, and animating by the time school starts. I also have tried learning C++ as well, just can’t find the motivation to read the book.
Having too much stuff is a problem, not for many but at least for this household. I’ve managed to organize the alley where we put all our empty bottles and cans and found a bunch of wood and junk to put in one spot. My mom then decided to hire Mexicans (literally, she does this every few months) to move stuff and install a cabinet in the garage. So now the place I just organized is a mess again. Awesome.
Whatever effort I actually put into cleaning the backyard doesn’t amount to much because there’s so much shit out there. It’s not necessarily my fault we have all this shit, it’s mom’s. Why can’t we just throw away things. Or just stop buying things we already have? The cabinets are filled to the brim with canned items; it wouldn’t surprise me if half the stuff is inedible.
I wish I could go out more, although I don’t have the friends to really go out with me. But I understand that I’m huge drag to have around in social situations. I’d appreciate having friends that really care for me, even if I can’t really show the same.
Having a job would be nice, although the not being able to drive thing is kinda hindering that.
6/14/2013 2:30 AM
Well first year of college is done. Switched to computer engineering near the beginning of spring and I’ve yet to take any core classes. The number of sections for the classes I need are rather few.
Went through the year with occasional feelings of loneliness and depression, despite making a few dorm friends. Still never developed to be a really social person, so some trends I noticed with my interaction with people kinda stuck.
I was actually planning to fit a long story of my high school crush here but now I don’t feel the need. Some other time.
Loneliness and Happiness
5/31/2013 2 AM
Roughly every night before I sleep I start contemplating that I should talk to friends. More specifically, girls I know and I’d like to date. I always think about opening up a chat with someone on Facebook but I can never bring myself to chat with someone during the day. Mostly because I’m doing other stuff and I would rather do this other stuff than to socialize.
Before sleeping, I’m generally out of energy to do much else and I start to dream up some conversations I’d have with some people. With this, comes a feeling of unhappiness. I enjoy myself during the day. Go to class, do work, play games. I’m not sure if I am really happy though.
Perhaps the one thing I need in life is a girlfriend. But I’ve read that you won’t be happy in a relationship if you aren’t happy alone. Maybe that’s true. I just can’t see myself having a decent relationship with most people. Won’t know for sure though.
What would make me happy? Making sure I have a secure job so I can be financially independent? Having a better social life? Being able to make music?
I have my fun doing whatever it is I do. Won’t mind a life less frightening though.
Some more stills. Added some more to the other post.
Probably the most unexpected thing in my life
Saturday, April 27th, I was attending SoCal LANfest which was being held at my school and while playing Company of Heroes I suffered a seizure. I went unconscious and woke up with paramedics putting me on a stretcher, and sending me on an ambulance.
I don’t recall any shaking, but the paramedics told me I had a seizure. My head was hurting like hell and throughout the ambulance ride and I was screaming.
At the hospital, I was given an X-ray, a CAT scan, and blood tests. At this point I could only think of the cost of any unnecessary tests, As far as I know the tests didn’t find anything. My brother picked me up and took me back to school.
I figured my stuff was still at the event. I asked a friend to escort me there. They had all my stuff and were glad that I’m fine. They gave me a bag of stuff “for not dying.” Pretty sweet.
The bag included some shirts, a couple mousepads, a laptop cooler, an inflatable hammer, two canteens, two decks of cards, a cape, two lanyards (Valve and Gigabyte), a bottle opener
As for what caused the seizure, I’m in the process of figuring out
Took some stills from the Ratchet and Clank trailer. I’ve watched it so many times now because it’s so great.
How tumblr can improve
4/19/2013 1 AM
These days I don’t have much to write. “How’s college?” Good. “How’s classes?” Fine. Can’t complain, can’t say much either.
So I’ll complain about tumblr. The dashboard sucks. For stupid and funny pictures and gifs I have reddit. Some of them I tend to see on tumblr too. This would not be a problem if I could just filter what I want to see. “Oh but you can just unsubscribe to those blogs.” But then that prevents me from seeing anything I actually want to see from them: mostly just text posts.
However, for some damn reason you don’t get to see every single thing your friends put out. Tumblr seems to display only the most popular posts from subscribed blogs. So if anyone posts a text blog, I’m not likely to see it. I will have to manually check a person’s blog to see their content.
If there is some hidden filter feature tumblr actually has, someone should enlighten me.
Nothing seems to be dated. I don’t know how long ago I received a message. I have to manually date my posts for them to have a date on them. “Find a blog design that has dates.” Many of the blog designs I don’t like. I use the default blog with some small changes. Hell I figured out how to add a song player for Spotify. Can’t get the positioning just right though. I would use a playlist for it but Spotify doesn’t seem to have a scramble feature for embedded players. The default design has nothing I don’t want,
Finding blogs I want to find is rather difficult. Granted, I really only want to find blogs of people I know. Most people don’t seem to Facebook connect, so can’t use that. My only option is to search through what a blog is following. Perhaps some kind of “suggested blogs” feature.
In other news, Boston marathon bombing suspect is being hunted by police and someone on reddit is updating live.
An interesting reddit post and reply
Why can’t I connect with anyone even when I make an effort to force myself to do so?
I really don’t understand how people can connect so easily. I’ve forced myself to be social last few years, and for the amount of people I’ve talked to I figured just by dumb luck I would of found someone but I haven’t.
I saw someone I had a crush on in college getting married, and on her marriage page or whatever she wrote the story of how she met her bf. He basically messaged her on facebook saying I think I’m in love with you. I was pretty shocked, I mean this stuff works in movies, but in real life you would just come off like a creep. Yet people have stories like this, yet just being myself doesn’t seem to work. I don’t understand how people can just have sex for fun one night and then not care to see person again either.
Basically, you require a connection with people on a deeper level than most settle for.
In fact, I don’t think you should ever settle just to be in a relationship [of any kind].
This does alienate you and you will have to make an even greater effort to get to know people who want the same as you do.
I don’t really know how to do that, if I’m honest. We have the same longing for a connection like anybody else, but we need it on our terms and that is limiting.
My advice would be: accept who you are. Accept that it will take you longer to meet someone, and accept that you may not meet someone, ever.
In my experience however, if you make your intentions known, I mean, if you project your desires outward and keep your eyes open, there’s always someone who is looking for someone like yourself.
Keep calm, and keep on keeping on.
So how’s it feel like being the most socially awkward person in the world?
Go up to someone, say hi, chat a little. It isn’t hard, right?
It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to do.
Figuratively of course. There are many more difficult things one could do. Social interaction just doesn’t come naturally to me. On a list of things I’d want to be doing at any time, at the top would be playing games, or simply enjoying myself alone with whatever I have, as I have plenty I can do. At the bottom would be going out. I just don’t have the incentive to make plans with friends.
Well it’s “normal” for people to do that, apparently. I guess that doesn’t make me “normal.” But, as I’ve been told, I have to go out and meet people. You need to build a network. You have to go out. Apparently I have a Vitamin D deficiency because I don’t.
So what if I go out? Benefits? Improving relationships with people I know, getting some fresh air. Will I enjoy it though? How would I plan it? Pop up a chat with a random friend on Facebook. Struggle to make a conversation. Ehhhhh.
Those who know me from high school probably know me as some no fun weirdo. Why would they want to go out with someone that is a pain to have around? I can’t blame them. I don’t make myself open to small talk. I just respond with as few words as possible. I can’t keep a conversation.
Sometimes I get random spurs of depression. I bothered to look up clinical depression because of it. Pretty sure I haven’t reached that level. If I do, who’s to blame? Maybe I get hospitalized or something, I make a call to all of my “friends.” Maybe some of them start interacting with me more. Do they do so because they feel guilty? I wouldn’t want to make them feel obligated.
Ugh, did I bring this upon myself?
As an aside, I’ve been rewatching some of Haruhi Suzumiya episodes, and started watching Lucky Star. I’m kinda like a combination of Yuki Nagato if she had a little emotion, and Konata.
I agree! That should definitely be standard since you're documenting your life here (at least some parts)! Anyway, how do you like your major so far? And college life?
Haven’t taken many core classes yet, can’t say too much about that. College life is all right, I don’t go out much though.